Please don’t be offended if I haven’t told you about this in person, not many people know. I felt ashamed by it and found the most well meaning comments were sometimes making me more anxious. I didn’t want to risk opening myself up to peoples opinions / advice / own experiences in case it had a negative impact towards my mental wellbeing. There are times I really wanted to reach out to people I know who have been through their own cancer journey but every time I found something was stopping me. I now feel ready to share my story in the hope that it will make you more aware of checking your skin and being aware of any changes.

How often do you check your moles? I didn’t used to pay much attention to mine, until my sister started getting hers checked. I’ve never been on a sunbed or seriously sunburnt so didn’t really see it as a big cause for concern.

There were three on my body that I wasn’t sure about. Two of the three were on my stomach and had got bigger when I was pregnant with James. They shrunk again after I had him but never went back to their pre pregnancy size and they probably did look a bit odd with how they had been stretched. The other mole I thought I should start paying attention to was one on my shoulder. I wasn’t sure how long it had been there for but something about it just looked a bit different to my other moles.

I became quite consumed with it and would check it numerous times a day to try and analyse whether I thought it was changing. I also started taking photos of it, but it was quite hard to tell if it was changing or not. I noticed there was a black dot in it. It was also an irregular shape and had a few different colours to it.

I decided to fill out the online appointment form for my doctors surgery and attached a photo of the one on my shoulder. I received a text message from a doctor the next day to say she really needed to see the mole to be able to assess it properly. Whilst I was there she checked all my moles and I showed her the 2 on my stomach.

The doctor looked at the three moles in question and said she didn’t think there was anything to worry about but would give me a two week urgent referral to the Dermatology department at the hospital. She explained that she didn’t think they were urgent but otherwise there would be a long waiting list. She also decided to tell me how melanomas can be nasty which didn’t help my anxiety.

Within two weeks I had received my appointment at the hospital. I was terrified. There were posters on the wall showing what melanomas look like and I had convinced myself that was exactly how the mole on my shoulder looked. It was a long wait in the hospital waiting room, which didn’t do my nerves any good. Eventually I was called in to see to the Consultant Dermatologist and a Cancer Nurse Specialist. The Consultant terrified me as she looked horrified by the moles on my stomach telling me that one looked nearer pre cancer and the other one (the bigger of the two) looked nearer cancer on her imaginary timeline she was showing me. The one on my shoulder she thought looked like I had caught it on something (I hadn’t) but surprisingly to me she didn’t think it looked like anything I needed to worry about. The other two on the other hand needed to be removed straight away.

The Cancer Nurse Specialist (CNS) then took me into a room next to the consulting room to remove both the moles on my stomach. I was quite grateful that they were doing it there and then so I didn’t have time to get too anxious about the procedure. I was terrified though. I’ve had a C-Section before so knew this was very minor compared to that but I am still squeamish about these things. The CNS was the one removing the moles and another nurse was assisting her. I told the nurse I was scared so she held my hand and talked to me throughout the procedure. They put local anaesthetic around both moles. That was the worst part as it stung a bit but was still bearable. Although I wasn’t looking, the smallest of the two moles seemed to be sucked out of me with some kind of contraption and it was done extremely quickly. The larger of the moles was cut out of me and this was less painful but took a bit longer. I had three stitches for the small mole and six stitches for the bigger one. The CNS told me she had removed both moles fully and they would be sent off to be examined, but it would take about three months for the results.

This was summer 2021, the summer before James started school. As they removed these moles so quickly I didn’t have time to consider what it would be like while the wounds were healing. I wasn’t allowed to shower for 48 hours. I just showered around them and washed my hair over the bath. I was worried about pulling the stitches though. You don’t realise how much you move your stomach. After 2 days I was allowed to take the dressings off and get the stitches wet. I hated seeing the stitches on my skin and sometimes put a plaster over them so I couldn’t see anything. After 2 weeks I was able to have the stitches removed at my local doctors surgery. That was painless.

We went away on holiday to Devon but I was constantly consumed with worry about the results from my moles. When I rationalised my thoughts I didn’t think there was anything wrong with them. I knew they hadn’t changed since I had James but what played on my mind was the consultants opinion of them. After all, she was the expert, not me.

At the end of the summer I finally received a letter to say that the moles they had removed were fine. It was a huge relief. At the follow up appointment I asked again about the mole on my shoulder and said I still wasn’t happy with it. This appointment was with a different CNS and she compared it to a photo I had and said it hadn’t change so discharged me. At that moment I knew I would be seeing her again. I think deep down I knew the mole had changed but when someone else tells you it hasn’t that’s what you want to believe. In hindsight I should’ve showed her multiple pictures and pushed for it to be removed.

Over the winter I tend to pay less attention to my moles because they are covered up. I relaxed a bit and thought maybe I should just trust the specialists and believe that it is fine. However, as spring came I started noticing it more. I couldn’t tell if it was getting bigger or not but would brush it off telling myself it was fine, because that was what I had been told. Then in April 2022 I touched the mole and it bled. This really frightened me. I knew that was another sign of skin cancer. However, I thought maybe I had caught it on something so just ignored it and it soon healed up again. Then in May it bled again. This time I knew I needed to do something about it.

I filled out the online form for my doctors surgery again. They then rang me asking to send them a photo. I sent them a current photo and an older photo to show the difference. I think it was the next day when the doctor called me back. She said the mole actually looked better than it did in the earlier photo I had sent them. She said they needed it to heal from the bleeding before they could make a good assessment of it so told me to make an appointment in a few weeks. There definitely didn’t seem to be any urgency and I didn’t feel the need for urgency as I’d already been told back in September that this mole was ok. I remember ringing the surgery and being quite picky with the appointments they were offering to make sure the time was really convenient for me, which meant it put the appointment back even longer.

I didn’t see the doctor I saw originally, or the doctor I spoke to on the phone, so this was another pair of eyes on it. This GP looked at it and said he didn’t think it was anything to worry about but would refer me back to dermatology anyway as they are the experts. Although this would be a faff, I knew it was the right thing for him to do and I wouldn’t have been happy if he hadn’t referred me.

Within two weeks (this was July 2022 now) I had my appointment back at dermatology at the hospital. This time the appointment wasn’t with the consultant, it was with the CNS that had discharged me back in September. I showed her the mole on my shoulder and she compared it to an old picture of it I had on my phone. She agreed it had changed and said it needed to be removed urgently. She also took a picture of it herself. She went to book me in for it to be removed and I asked if it would be possible for it to be done there and then. She went and spoke to the other CNS in the room next door where they remove the moles. Luckily for me someone hadn’t turned up for their appointment so they were able to do it straight away. She got straight to it and I didn’t have anyone holding my hand this time.

The wound on my shoulder was a lot more comfortable than the ones I had previously on my stomach. I didn’t feel like I was constantly tugging on the stitches as I moved. I still hated seeing it though and had to get my husband to remove the dressing and tell me how bad it looked before I would look at it.

I soon received a letter in the post with the date of a follow up appointment in September. We had a holiday booked to Fuerteventura in August, so I thought yet again I am going to be worrying about my moles over the summer. However, during one day in the middle of August during the six weeks school summer holidays I received a phone call from dermatology. I can remember I was sat on the landing sorting out my sons old things to sell. It was the CNS that removed the mole. She said she needed to arrange a follow up appointment for me. I said I had already got a date for September. She then said that’s quite far away perhaps I could come in this week. Now knowing how long it took for the results to come back from my first moles I had removed I naively said I don’t know if my results will be back in that soon. She then informed me that the results were in. My heart dropped, I knew exactly where this call was going. She asked if I could come in the next day. My response was they must be bad then. She then informed me that the mole was skin cancer. I pushed for more information, like whether it had spread but she wouldn’t give it to me. She just said I was on her list to call and she didn’t have any more information and we will discuss everything tomorrow.

My life felt like one minute everything was fine and the next my life had been turned upside down. I was adamant that because she didn’t tell me any more information that the skin cancer must’ve spread. The next thing on my mind was I needed to sort someone to look after James the next day so I could go to the appointment. I also needed to ring my husband and tell him. That was a call I hated having to make. I didn’t want to ruin his day at work and give this burden of a cancer diagnosis for him to deal with as well. I rang him to tell him and he told me he would make his way home. I also rang one of my mum friends to see if she would be able to look after James. She was in the local park so I took James there to play with his friends so I could talk to my friend. I was terrified. We are incredibly lucky that we have a great group of mum and dad friends with children in our son’s year that are always happy to help each other when needed. We would certainly be lost without them.

That evening I was a mess. My husband went into Googling everything about skin cancer and seemed to become an expert in about a few hours. I didn’t Google anything and to this day I won’t allow myself to do it. I cannot let myself go down that rabbit hole. I don’t think we got any sleep that night and spent most of the night watching the American Office to try and distract us. There is even a skin cancer episode which conveniently came up. We skipped that one.

Thankfully, I think my appointment was at 10 AM. We dropped James off at our friends house and walked to the hospital. I don’t remember having to wait too long but had decided I was going to get the worst news possible that it had spread. I had convinced myself that any ache or pain I had felt in my body was the skin cancer having spread. I was in a dark place.

The diagnosis appointment was with the consultant I saw originally with the first two moles and the CNS that removed the moles. I can’t even remember exactly how the appointment went but she informed me of the size of the mole, that it had been removed fully and it had clear margins which meant the melanoma hadn’t spread. I asked if this meant it had been caught in time and she said yes. This was a big relief. She told me that with any melanoma they then do a procedure called a local area excision. This means they remove more skin around and underneath the scar to further prevent it from coming back. This is the treatment. I was also told I would be offered a biopsy of my lymph nodes to see if there are any microcells as melanomas can be unpredictable. For numerous reasons I am terrified of general anaesthetic so immediately declined the lymph node biopsy. It is not a treatment, it is a diagnostic. I already knew about this procedure from my husbands extensive research. I could have the local area excision under local anaesthetic so was happy to have that. I was told the procedure would be done in Southampton hospital as Basingstoke doesn’t have a plastic surgeon and that they would contact me. I was given a load of sun cream samples and asked if I could still go on holiday. I was told yes and that as long as I use Factor 50 and don’t go red it is fine. I was informed that I would be under surveillance for the next 5 years which meant having regular checks. I was also taken to another room to have photographs of all my moles taken. This is called mole mapping and would mean that they would be able to monitor whether any of my other moles change over the 5 year surveillance period.

I then went on holiday. It was what we needed. Somewhere different where we could try and forget about the skin cancer and enjoy some time away as a family. We had a great time and seeing James enjoy it so much was lovely. I did get a call from one of the CNS while we were away to check how I was doing after the diagnosis. She left me a voicemail. I emailed her back to tell her I was on holiday and that I would respond more on my return. I didn’t want to be thinking about the skin cancer while I was away.

After a wonderful holiday I was soon brought back to reality as when we got home there was a letter from Southampton hospital for an appointment the next day. The letter said I needed to go alone (as COVID restrictions were still in place) so my husband dropped me off and then went to a park with James to wait for me. I ended up waiting for 2 hours for my appointment. This put me in a bad place. The waiting room was more of a waiting corridor so not a nice environment for someone who hates hospitals. What was also very evident was that you obviously could take someone with you as I seemed to be the only one there alone. For two hours I sat anxiously jigging my feet or legs. Making observations about everyone else in the waiting room. I was the youngest which I found quite tragic. I just wanted to talk to someone. I attempted some small talk with the couple next to me asking how long they had been waiting for. It didn’t give me hope that I would be called in any time soon.

I didn’t really know what to expect from this appointment. I already had my diagnosis, what more could they tell me. Would they do the local area excision there and then? You’ll later see that I was very naïve about what this procedure actually involved so that was a ridiculous thought to have even considered.

Eventually my time came. A nurse showed me to a room and told me to wait there. He told me the consultant would come along soon along with a nurse. Having waited for 2 hours reliving previous traumas in my life that allowed me to draw on some similarities to this situation meant that I was not in a good place by the time the consultant plastic surgeon came in and a CNS. It soon dawned on me that the local area excision wasn’t just a bit worse than having a mole removed and that it was a proper operation done in an operating theatre. My only experience of an operating theatre was having James and that was in Lithuania.

To be honest I didn’t really hit it off with the plastic surgeon. I wasn’t being my best self. I think she probably thought I was ridiculous. I spent most of the appointment crying and telling her of my previous traumas that meant I was having a particular hard time dealing with this. She tried to tell me about the lymph node biopsy to which I basically cut her off and said no I’m not having that done. She said I wasn’t entitled to a CT scan of my lymph nodes but because of the situation she said she could try and appeal for one for me. I said no. She said so you would rather not know and I said I don’t want to know. She gave my lymph nodes under my arm a good feel and said they were fine but I needed to start checking them every month. She looked at my scar to work out how she would do the operation. I even asked her if it’s done in an operating theatre in which she looked at me like I had asked the most stupid question in the world. I sobbed that I didn’t like operating theatres and will find it really difficult.

Looking at my scar she said there isn’t much skin on my shoulder so she will have to create a flap and I will have a zigzag scar, but doing it this way will mean she doesn’t need to do a skin graph. She drew over my shoulder to show me what it would look like. I just remember thinking it was a lot bigger than I had anticipated it to be. I didn’t really care about the scar though, I was more shocked by what it actually involved. I know this is only a relatively minor operation and you are probably thinking I’m making a fuss over nothing but to me, someone who finds hospitals terrifying it was a big deal.

I asked when the operation would be done and checked it could be done under local anaesthetic. Luckily it could be and I was told it would be done within 3 months. I thought ok by Christmas it will be done. After the plastic surgeon left the room the CNS nurse spoke to me. She gave me some leaflets about skin cancer and MacMillan. She recommended that I contacted MacMillan for some counselling sessions. I had already enquired about counselling at my diagnosis appointment in Basingstoke and they were going to look into it for me. I got the impression that in dermatology they don’t always get asked about it or offer it. I had told them based on my previous traumas I needed some help.

It was a relief when I got out of Southampton hospital and was back in the car with my husband and James. They had been to a country park and Smyths. My husband had bought me a chocolate brownie but I had no appetite. I just wanted to get home. I was in shock and the reality of the situation was again at the forefront of my mind. I had spent 2 hours contemplating my life and how long I have left to live despite them having fully removed the melanoma.

In the next couple of days I emailed my CNS in Basingstoke to ask about the counselling. She gave me a form to fill in with how I was feeling so she could refer me. I won’t write too much about the counselling in this blog as it’s already long enough, but all I will say is I’m so pleased I did it. I was entitled to 6 sessions and they really helped me put things into perspective and how to deal with things. The CNS also suggested I had regular ultrasound scans of my lymph nodes. I thought as I’ve had ultrasounds during pregnancy maybe I could cope with that so agreed.

The next few months were relatively quiet but I was constantly waiting for the date of the operation to come through. At one of my three month checks in Basingstoke I said I hadn’t had an appointment yet and she said to chase them up to check I haven’t been forgotten about. The Southampton CNS confirmed I was on the waiting list. Christmas 2022 came and went and I still hadn’t heard anything. I was a bit concerned because I didn’t know how urgent this was. I spoke to my CNS and she reassured me that the removal of the mole was the main treatment and the local area excision was just a precaution.

After Christmas I was finally given a date for 14th February. This was half term. Not the most ideal time to have surgery and to be looking after a child off school for a week. They therefore rescheduled it for 28th February. Leading up to the operation was really stressful. I didn’t know what to expect. I ended up emailing a load of questions to the CNS in Southampton to try and answer all my questions. One thing I didn’t know was what happened to the skin that they remove. Is it tested or discarded? I really didn’t want to be waiting for test results again. The nurse informed me that they test everything they remove and that although it will be tested they don’t expect to find anything. This was somewhat reassuring.

The week leading up to the operation was intense. I remember paying for my shopping in Morrisons and my phone ringing. I could see it was Southampton. They wanted to change the time of the operation meaning I would now need to be there at 7:30 AM. I explained that meant I would need to find someone to look after my son from 6:30 AM in the morning and that would be a big ask of someone. I was told if I didn’t accept the new time then the operation would be cancelled. Luckily one of our neighbours kindly had James for us. I think he actually saw it as quite exciting going to someone’s house that early. He was under strict instructions to just sit and watch TV to allow them to get ready.

I also had a call from a nurse doing a pre op assessment. I hadn’t been informed this would happen so was taken by surprise, especially as he wanted me to get to Southampton for an appointment and have a blood test with only a couple of days notice. In the end he was able to ask me questions over the phone and decided I didn’t need a blood test. The questions seemed to be endless. He also agreed to let me take my own blood pressure at home as I told him it would be high in the hospital. I told him I was scared about the operation and he reassured me that his mum had had the same and she’s squeamish and was fine. He also told me they had on my notes that I was anxious and that I would be one of the first.

I was expecting the days leading up to the procedure to be unbearable with anxiety. However, although I was nervous and scared I somehow managed to get myself into the mindset of being very determined and just wanting to get it done. I find it hardest when I don’t know what to expect, but I had asked my questions and found out what to expect as much as I could.

I got up early the morning of the procedure as we had to be there for 7:30 AM and we live an hour away from the hospital. I just kept telling myself that it will soon be over and that by lunchtime it should all be done. I walked James to our neighbours house and off we went. There is also a surprising amount of traffic around Southampton at 7:30 AM and we did arrive slightly late.

When we arrived at the Day Surgery Unit my husband had to remain in the waiting area as I was taken through to the ward and was allocated a bed and chair. The ward had 4 women in, all a lot older than me. From listening to conversations these women were having with the nurses / doctors it seemed that we were all in for some sort of cancer surgery. The lady next to me was the oldest and she was in for the same procedure as me just a different location.

The consultant plastic surgeon came to see us both. The woman next to me was going to be first and I would be second. The consultant went through the paperwork with me, checked my lymph nodes and drew on my shoulder. A nurse also went through more paperwork with me, asked me lots of questions, took my temperature and blood pressure. It was then a wait until it was my turn. I was told to change into the hospital gown when the lady next to me went down for her surgery as it wouldn’t be long for me then. I also passed the time messaging my husband and a few friends and talking to the lady opposite. Or more listening to the lady opposite me. She liked to talk and told me all about her life and what she was having done. It was a welcome distraction though and nice to speak to someone friendly.

Soon it was my turn and a theatre nurse came to get me. I looked great in my black boots and hospital gown. I told her I was scared and asked if she would be with me during the surgery. She said she would be so I asked if she could talk to me throughout, which she was happy to do. I knew I needed something to focus on to distract me with what was happening. She pointed to where recovery was and said that I would be going there after the operation. This was a shock to me as I just thought I’d be able to get up and walk out after the procedure. I said I thought I’d be discharged straight away and she said no, you go to recovery and they will discharge you. I asked if there would be anyone to talk to me there. She said there would be nurses in there but not specifically talking to me all the time.

I had to wait a few minutes before we were allowed into the operating theatre. It looked like they were cleaning the floor after the last patient. When they were ready for me I was told to remove my shoes and climb up onto the operating table. The operating theatre wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be, but I was surprised at the amount of people in there, all with specific jobs. There was a heated mat for me to lie on to keep me warm. The nurse chatted to me while the surgeon finished something on a computer. It was a very organised environment and laminated cards were read out – but I can’t remember what they were about, some kind of protocol I think. The surgeon got me to lie on my side so she could access my shoulder easily. She amended her drawing and covered the area around it in some sort of sterile disposable sheet. She then applied a lot of iodine and explained how she would do the local anaesthetic. She would do one injection and then the idea is that the area becomes numb so I feel less of the other injections. I was used to having just a couple of injections for the removal of the moles bit this took a while to do and she said she was using a lot of anaesthetic and after seeing the size of the scar I can see why now. She would then check whether I could feel things and told me if during the procedure I start to feel anything sharp to say and she will give me more. It was like with the mole removals and when I had a c section in that you can feel some pressure but you can’t feel any pain.

I didn’t find the actual operation too bad. There were two nurses and one of them was always sat next to me and talking to me. The surgeon also talked to me. This was good for me because it helped me relax. What I found hard was I didn’t know how it was going. I am lying on an operating table and even though I can’t see or feel anything I can hear things the surgeon says so when she would say things like more gauze I started worrying I was bleeding uncontrollably. I could also see the nurse next to me look over at what the surgeon was doing and I would always assume something was going wrong. I think I even asked at times if everything was going well and then I would get an update. There was one instance where the nurse said to the surgeon about making a call and it really shook me. I assumed she was making a call to ask for more help or because something had gone wrong. I asked if something was wrong and they said no, she just had to ring down to get the next patient ready. I don’t think I even believed her and think I asked her to promise in my worried state.

Once the operation was over the surgeon was telling me about the dressings she had put on and when I could remove what and when I could shower. As I was being wheeled out she asked if I was happy to have a phone call follow up appointment. This made me happy for two reasons – if she thought there was any melanoma on the skin she removed then she couldn’t offer me a telephone appointment. Secondly it meant I didn’t need to travel to Southampton.

I expected to feel relief that the procedure had been done but I didn’t. I felt quite uneasy as I was being wheeled into recovery. There was a man in there that had obviously had a leg operation and he was just being wheeled out. There were two nurses in there and they started hooking me up to things. I did not like this. I didn’t want my blood pressure to be taken, my temperature to be taken and my heart rate monitored. These nurses weren’t talking to me and I felt lonely and uneasy. I suddenly felt the start of a panic attack happening. I am no stranger to panic attacks and the way they manifest themselves in me means I can usually hide them and I have my own ways of controlling and coping with them. However when you are hooked up to a heart rate monitor it is harder to hide them. The nurse asked if I was ok and I said I suffer from panic attacks. She raised the bed so I was more upright and kept telling me to breathe. I knew what I needed was sugar. I had come prepared with two cartons of apple juice in my bag but I didn’t have my bag with me. The nurse brought me some water but I said I need sugar. Luckily they had some squash and after two cups of it I started feeling more myself. It really scared me though as I hadn’t had any kind of panic attack for months. I was frustrated that it had happened. I was worried that they would make me stay there longer. Luckily they didn’t and as soon as my readings were normal again they went and found my clothes and bag and let me ring my husband. He was still in the waiting room so they walked me down to him. When I saw my husband I just wanted to get out of there. I couldn’t talk too much about the operation and was scared of having a panic attack again.

On the drive home the apple juice came in handy and every time I felt on the verge of a panic attack I would drink some. I got through two cartons. I think I was in shock by what I had just been through. I know to some this probably seems like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill with this relatively minor surgery but to me this was a big deal and having to face my fears of hospitals and operating theatres. I felt overwhelmed by the whole experience. I wanted to talk about it but at the same time wasn’t necessarily ready to process what I had been through.

On the way home we stopped off at M&S to get some chocolates and flowers to give to our neighbours to thank them for looking after James that morning. I wasn’t particularly in pain with it but it felt uncomfortable and I felt pretty miserable. When we got home I really wanted a shower and to change my clothes. I always want to do this when I’ve been in a hospital. It soon dawned on me how limited I was with moving my shoulder and how much help I needed. There was no way I was going to be able to shower alone. In such an undignified way I need my husband to help me undress. I’d worn clothes that I knew would be fairly easy to take off. The main thing was that I couldn’t lift my shoulder to get clothes on and off that way. Once I had my clothes off I was shocked at the size of the dressing on my shoulder. I knew I would have a big scar but I wasn’t quite prepared for the size of the dressing. I then stood in the shower and my husband showered me avoiding the dressing that I wasn’t allowed to get wet. I felt really helpless. I had planned to wash my hair over the bath but there was no way I was going to be able to do that.

Not long after it was time to go and pick James up from school. I wanted to go because I needed that normality. On the walk there every time my feet touched the ground I could feel my shoulder but I just decided to carry on. James wasn’t pleased to see me because it meant we were back in time and he didn’t need to go to his friends house. He was disappointed. As he is a boy of routine he wanted to go for his usual after school park trip. Luckily my husband was there because there was no way I could push him on the swings. I just sat on the bench feeling sorry for myself and hoping no one would notice that I was struggling.

When we got back inside I spent the afternoon sat on the sofa watching my iPad and constantly reminding James that he couldn’t climb on me. I just wanted things to be back to normal where I could play with James and not worry I would hurt my shoulder. I wanted to be able to do the things I normally do. I didn’t want to have to rely on my husband to help me. I felt frustrated.

After James had gone to bed I found my legs kept shaking. I think this was probably due to the amount of local anaesthetic I was given. I seem to remember a similar thing happening after my c section. I felt wired. I wanted to cry and let our all the emotions I had but I couldn’t.

I got my husband to take another day off work as I knew I would need help with things. I also had my second 3 month skin check with the CNS that day. I was really frustrated. My hair felt horrible and I just wanted to wash it. I couldn’t even lift my arm up to put it in a ponytail myself and I wasn’t too impressed with my husbands attempt. I ended up going to my friends house with a hair band and comb and asked her to tie my hair up. Putting on make up was also tricky with not being able to lift my right arm up properly.

My appointment with the CNS went well in that none of my moles had changed and she didn’t think that any of my other ones looked high risk. That was nice to hear. She said she would book me in for an ultra sound scan of the lymph nodes under my right arm and on the right side of my neck. The thing is with my moles I can generally tell if I can see something that doesn’t look right, and although I regularly check my lymph nodes I doubt I can feel something that could be picked up on an ultrasound scan. I told the CNS that I’d rather not have an ultrasound and she said her usual response of it’s better to catch anything early. It didn’t exactly fill me with hope.

The next day it was time to take off the top dressing from the local area excision. I had been dreading this because I am squeamish and I didn’t know what to expect. Luckily my husband has become a bit of a pro at removing my dressings and knowing how to deal with me in these circumstances. I was under the impression that the dressing underneath would be waterproof and that I would be able to have a proper shower and wash my hair. This is something I thought I was told in the operating theatre but maybe I was mistaken.

The dressing underneath was heavily stained with blood. I was a bit unsure about whether that amount of blood was normal but at least it was dried blood. Having the top dressing removed meant that I was able to get a bit more movement in my shoulder. I contacted my CNS and emailed her a photo to check that the dressing wasn’t waterproof as I had thought (I was right it wasn’t waterproof) and to also ask about the dried blood. In the end I got a phone call from a nurse at Southampton to talk me through showering options and eventually removing the blood stained dressing. She told me to try putting something over the dressing to shower but not to worry if splashes of water got onto it. I taped a sandwich bag over it to stop it getting wet, then washed my hair over the bath and showered trying to avoid my shoulder. She also told me that when I come to remove the dressing I would need to drench it under the shower to soak it thoroughly as the blood will have gone rock hard.

There was no way I had the stomach to remove the dressing alone. I was scared of seeing how big the scar would be and exactly what it would look like. I waited for James to go to bed and got my husband to be in the bathroom with me while I showered. Once I had thoroughly soaked the dressing my husband started to peel off the dressing. It took a while because the blood had stuck to the dressing. One positive thing was that I knew this wound had dissolvable stitches in so I wouldn’t have to look at stitches in my body. I started to feel faint in the shower, I was beginning to have a panic attack. I sat on the edge of the bath and got my husband to go and get me some apple juice. It was a shock seeing the size of the wound and that some parts were quite raised. I was worried it would always look like that. That evening I couldn’t bear to put any clothes on it as it felt too sensitive. I was upset and angry that this had happened to my body.

As days passed I got used to it. I had a wound check with the nurse at my doctors surgery and she assured me that the scar would go flat. After 6 weeks I was able to do yoga again and most importantly had the call from the surgeon informing me that there was no melanoma found in the skin that she had removed. That was such a relief.

I also had my first ultra sound scan of my lymph nodes. That was probably one of the longest 5 minutes of my life as the doctor silently did the ultra sound but after that I did feel a huge sense of relief when she told me they were fine. I have another ultra sound in September and then I only need one once a year for two more years.

After starting the year feeling extremely anxious most of the time and even needing techniques to be able to get to sleep at night I finally started to get back to enjoying life and feeling more myself again. Daily walks and yoga are my coping strategies for dealing with anxiety. The NHS has saved my life and my sister too for opening my eyes about being more aware of my moles. My husband has been my rock and has stood by my side throughout. My mum friends that look after James when I have an appointment to go to that’s not during school time have also been amazing. I will always be anxious about what I have been through to some extent but as the Elton John song goes, “I’m Still Standing!”

More information about skin cancer can be found on the NHS website.